This time last year I was flying home to say goodbye to my Mom forever. I didn’t realize that she would pass just a few hours after I arrived. I thought I would have more time with her. Not that it was quality time at that point anyway…she was unconscious and being fed sublingual medicines to keep her out of pain. It was really hard to see my strong, beautiful Mother like that. She wasn’t there anymore. It was just her shell. So in many ways, it was a blessing when she passed but I guess… I guess I thought I would have more time to touch her and smell her and know that she was still in this dimension with me.
As this day has been approaching, I have done everything in my power to prepare for what I knew was going to be an incredibly emotional time. I’ve let the thoughts wash over me, not settling for too long, just a rinse. But here we are. D-Day is tomorrow. Of course she had to pass at Christmas-time. Her absolute favorite time of year so the reminders are extra thick. The nightmares are here, I can’t stop thinking about her and it all hurts like hell. I can’t focus. I’m getting irritated quickly. I love my work but today.. right now…I don’t want to be dealing with contracts or ordering equipment or figuring out business taxes. I don’t want to have to think hard. I don’t want to have to even be nice because I don’t feel nice. I feel sad. And you know what … I want to feel sad. I want to curl up in bed and pull my soft down comforter up around my neck and cry if I feel like crying.
But I can’t. I have to keep moving. Time and tide wait for no man.
Last year, when I returned to LA after Mom’s death, Tom and I installed in the San Gabriel Mountains. It was an incredibly therapeutic experience. I felt her there with me as though she had guided us to that spot. This year, I wanted to honor her memory in the same way by giving her a gift only I could give, so I asked Tom to accompany me for a tribute installation.
We found ourselves at Malibu Creek State Park. Hiking around, we explored as we always do; in search of a place that speaks to me. It was a beautiful day and the night brought a full moon and an eerie fog so thick we couldn’t see 2 feet ahead. And indeed, I felt her with me. This one’s for you, Mom. I love you and I miss you so much.
Artist Annie Mitchell installing Hyphae at Malibu Creek State Park // Photo by Tom Clancey
Malibu Creek State Park, Calabasas, CA // Photo by Tom Clancey