Day 47 without human touch. I drove up the Pacific Coast to the only beach that is open to the public and sat on the rocks for a few hours feeling the sun warm my skin, listening to the waves crash against the rocks, remembering what it feels like to be human. I drove and drove. Into the hills, through the canyons, stopping occasionally to take in the view. The sky was clear and blue and you could see for miles and miles.
Los Angeles, you sure are beautiful.
I was speaking to my Dad on the phone the day I released this song and he, being concerned that I was locked away in some kind of Los Angeles dungeon, asked if I had windows in my studio. It struck me as a very sweet thing to ask. He wondered about my environment … it was a deep question without him even realizing it. So I named the song, Open Windows, after his very genuine concern for me. The video was shot in Summerlake, Oregon last March at my art residency there.
Speaking a bit more about genuine concern…
When I was a teenager, my Mom and I had a lot of problems because she made me think my feelings were somehow wrong. If I was sad; “don’t be sad”. If I was heartbroken; “don’t be, he wasn’t worth it”. My sister who was at home during my teenage years was a clone of my Mom .. always telling me I needed to be happier or needed to be better, but what neither one of them ever said was, “what you’re feeling is valid” or “I understand”. That voice, that of my oldest sister, moved out when I was nine.
It wasn’t until this pandemic when I was group chatting with my sisters that I realized this brand of “soothing” has been a pretty major fuck off in my life. As we discussed the fallout from the pandemic, I was triggered in such profound way by my sister telling me to be grateful instead of upset; I saw angst from 35 years unfold before my very eyes. I won’t lie .. I got very upset because it made me feel guilty for being sad when I have every right and reason to be. We are all understandably going through some pretty crazy emotional rollercoasters at the moment.
I urge you to be thoughtful with people and their emotions…particularly right now as we’re all under such extreme stress. Next time someone shares their fears or sadness with you .. try listening and empathizing instead of giving solutions. Feeling things deeply is core to who I am and even the best intentioned redirects are going to get you a big fuck off from my inner child. At our core, we all are seeking the same things. We all want to be heard and to be loved, so let’s do that. Listen and love.
And to you, I say … what you’re feeling is valid. No matter what it is. Emotions can bring us to the height of ecstasy and to the depths of despair. Both extremes are part of the human experience. Sit with it. You’re okay. I’ve got you.
Love and light,
Annie
Los Angeles shelter in place orders are active due to covid 19. We're to only go out for food and healthcare. I've personally been in isolation for over 3 weeks. This song emerged during that time. The rain at the end is from LA a few days ago. The guitar is a sampling from my playing a few months ago. The singing is my own. The video is the Santa Ana’s whipping through a tree in Venice Beach last week, the day after the shelter order went into effect...obviously manipulated.
I haven’t known what to say about all of this. It’s all been said by more eloquent people than myself. It’s scary though. I’m 43 and I’ve never seen a global event even resembling this. Horrible that it had to take a global pandemic to bring us together as human beings, but hey…whatever it takes. We have certainly needed a collective wakeup call and whoo-boy…here it is. It just really sucks that so many people have to suffer and die as a result. I’m so so worried about everyone and sending all the good vibrations I can muster out to the world. Please be safe and don’t hesitate to reach out if there is anything I can do to help. I’ll even jump on zoom to cheer you up or maybe we could do a Netflix Party and watch Tiger King while making crude commentary about how fucked up THAT shit is. Whatever it takes. <3
Stay safe. You are loved.
Love and Light,
Annie
This time last year I was flying home to say goodbye to my Mom forever. I didn’t realize that she would pass just a few hours after I arrived. I thought I would have more time with her. Not that it was quality time at that point anyway…she was unconscious and being fed sublingual medicines to keep her out of pain. It was really hard to see my strong, beautiful Mother like that. She wasn’t there anymore. It was just her shell. So in many ways, it was a blessing when she passed but I guess… I guess I thought I would have more time to touch her and smell her and know that she was still in this dimension with me.
Read MoreChoosing to be a professional Artist is not a smooth road. Every step is through quicksand. But it’s a quicksand that sparkles with ground up diamonds with a view of glittering galaxies and shooting stars like you’ve never seen and at the end is a unicorn just for you.
Read MoreI wake up every day and battle my demons because that is what we do as humans. We love, we lose, we have joy, we have pain. We are so aware that awareness itself becomes a battle. The thing about myself that I am certain of though …. I only walk in wonderful directions. And even among all the heartache that I am enduring at the moment, I know I will find that joyful path again.
Read MoreHyphae will be at Krblin Jihn Kabin in Joshua Tree, CA on Saturday, Nov. 2, 2019 from Dusk until Sunrise.
Religious leader Krblin Jihn lived in this cabin under house arrest after a rival sect defeated his Jihn Wranglikans in a long war. For one night only, Hyphae will pay Krblin Jihn a visit.
Read MoreI've been eating scraps and bits because I don't want to go to the store. I backed out of 7 appointments with friends over the last week. I can’t remember the last time I had a proper shower. Letting dishes pile and trash go longer than normal, I’m in a creative trance and I can't be bothered with any universe outside of mine.
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